Pilot

Hello. Today I had suicidal thoughts. Its not very common for me, at least no serious thoughts about it until today. Am I depressed? mentally ill? I wish to believe im not. And for the most of it, i am sure that im not. i think. Most of the time I can control my emotions, Im one to clap back, snap out of something and try to cheer myself up and move on. And people tell me those who are depressed dont have that ability and that luxury to pull themselves out of that depressed state. But what led me to make this blog? what led me to writing again. knowing that im a terrible one, and im ought to regret it in the near future when i read this. but I need someone to listen. to listen to my problems, to understand what im going through and convince me things will be okay. My parents are hopeless, the 21 years ive lived ive never had a heart to heart conversation with them. or even a genuine conversation at that. my siblings? no. never. they would never understand, as much as i wish they would they would most likely judge. My friends? theyre great. theyre probably the closest to ever getting to hear this story, but just like all other people in my family, they wont understand. or even if they would i feel like i just dont want to put people through the burden and suffering of listening to me. I feel like no one in my life really wants to listen. typical right? bla bla no one understands me. but its true. and if writing this blog makes me feel like im able to talk to someone and get through this then im doing it. so heres my diary. coming up are pieces of my life, that im not able to put into conversation with friends and family. pieces of my life that have hurt me, are hurting me. heres the diary to keeping me alive.